warning: pms, depressive post
i hate mothers’ day. do we celebrate simply because someone gave birth to you? what do we do about toxic moms or mom who are a medium on the toxic scale?

and again this is a reminder of the child lost around mothers day 29 years ago. a child i wanted to want but no one else did so i went along. i wanted my shame-free existence more i guess. i feel like my desire to remain shame free kept that baby from descending from my fallopian tube. but i still miss what might have been. but that is all romantic notions. the child would have been born into toxicity.

by the time i was probably wise enough to actually have q child and protect it from most of the toxicity, it was too late.

and mom and i will never have the type of mother daughter relationship one would celebrate. and in the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about what might have been and I realized that I think I thought I would marry into a family that would fix this and I might have that mother daughter relationship with her mother-in-law. And then realizing that that is probably too late to. A whole Other layer of mourning.

so every year from now until death i will mourn. alone.

i am so lonely and so over having to be an adult. but still grateful for blips of happiness

the cyclical nature of depression is both a blessing and a curse.

bah humbug!

 I am so not feeling the holidays. Home I realized doesn’t feel like a home. It’s just where I live. And I live there  begrudgingly.

My family is so fractured and disconnected.  it is way too much effort to maintain these fake connections .

I have no special person in my life that I’m excited to see or hear from. And even further, I’m sad about the loss of him as a potential.

 work is emotionally draining and chaotic.

And I am emotionally draining and chaotic to myself as I try to work on my eating habits and issues plus face going back to therapy to unravel a ball of intertwined issues that I’ve been carrying.

she is I and I am her

 I realized that I am all of the things I hate about my mother. I think it’s why I express such rage towards her. I’m her with a superiority complex, and unwarranted superiority complex at that.

i broke down in the psychiatrist office yesterday. he ordered me back to therapy which i knew i should do.

i tried to explain how broken my mom is and how her brokenness triggers me.  and as I begin describing it, I realized —even from his controlled facial expressions — that what I’m talking about, what is so every day for me, is still beyond normal. And it doesn’t actually make me feel any better.